“Success” comes in many forms. Most of us associate the word with career accomplishments. But, in many ways, even more, challenging is success in choosing an intimate partner who is good for you.
Most of my clients who come in to see me about their love issues ask me variations of the same question: How do I know if my partner is good for me? Your accurate intuition usually makes you aware of asking this question in the first place: You have doubts.
Of course, no article can tell you whether your partner is right for you, but I’ve learned a lot from my clients, so here are some of the top issues to consider. Oh—and please keep in mind that I am not saying that if these factors describe you then you have chosen unwisely. I am only asking you to raise your awareness of your happiness, doubts, and acceptance of behaviors that are not healthy to accept.
These tips will help you fine-tune your love intuition.
1. Timing
On any day you could fall in love. So, ask yourself: Why did I fall in love at this time in my life? Look back about twelve to eighteen months ago. What, if anything were you going through? For example, many of the couples in my study fell in love during a time of stress, especially loss. They got divorced, became widowed, or lost a loved one, or their health, job or home.
Loss can make you reach out to others for comfort. Suddenly, someone whom, as my clients have said, “didn’t appeal to me in the beginning,” now becomes more attractive because of qualities such as their kindness or take-charge nature.
2. Loneliness And Aging
Two of the research discoveries about finding love at a particular time in life were the reality that a person was aging or was the only cousin or sibling in the extended family to be without an intimate partner—and, most especially, a spouse. And, at what seemed a miracle, these same people fell in love.
3. Life Through Both Easy And Difficult Times
When we feel down, we tend to either avoid intimacy or rush toward it. If you’ve rushed—be careful. It’s very easy to believe you’ve found a good love match when you find a sympathetic and caring partner.
Ideally, a wise choice of partner is sympathetic and caring. But be careful: For example, when you recover from your negative experiences and feel more confident, your partner might feel that he or she has lost power in the relationship.
How fully do you know your partner—or you? We tend to choose different personality styles of intimate partners when we—or our partner– are going through either good or bad times. If possible, your best safeguard is to know each other over time—and through mutual ups and downs.
4. Rebounds And Course Corrections
Break ups are not one of life’s pleasant experiences—even if you know that breaking up is the right thing to do. Wise people do take off from dating to assess what happened and to learn about themselves. They also determine that they are ready to date again not by how much time they have waited to find love but by how deeply and honestly they understand themselves and their love choice.
If you don’t do your self-homework, you leave yourself vulnerable to falling in love to avoid feeling alone equally as troubling is over-correcting your previous style of relationship. For example, if you broke up because your partner was too bossy and controlling, then you might fool yourself into believing that choosing a mild, easy-going partner is better for you.
There is nothing wrong with having a partner who can be calm and agreeable. Problems arise, however, when that partner’s style can only be pliable and passive.
5. Management Of Your Relationship Unhappiness, Peeves, Life Style And Other Issues
After a person experiences love gone wrong, it is tempting to feel so grateful that someone came along at all in your life that you don’t speak up when things bother you. Don’t put yourself in a position to experience what I call Death by a Thousand Accommodations. Strong relationships can survive—and thrive on feedback. The key issue is how you speak up. Always act with kindness—and not sarcasm or criticism.
Wishing you success in love!
