For many, relationships start out great. Everything is rosy. The world is perfect. You are in love. After a while, however, as the glow of newness fades, worries creep in.
Suddenly you start to wonder if your guy is really as into you as he says. You start to question, albeit not out loud hopefully, if he was really playing poker with the guys. You start to worry about whether he thinks you are as beautiful as the other girls are.
If this description reflects your relationship pattern, you aren’t alone. You are insecure, just like a countless number of other daters out there. Though it is perfectly normal, excessive insecurity can be the source of relationship problems.
Not only will your insecurity leave you feeling preternaturally ill at ease, it will likely vex your partner who just can’t understand why you can’t trust him. Avoid this by actively working to put the kibosh on your insecurity and moving forward with your relationship confident and optimistic.
1. Think About Your Emotions
The best way to overcome your insecurity is to face it head on, states Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D. When you find yourself feeling upset, stop and think about what has you in this state. Drill down to the basic cause of your upset, being honest with yourself in the process.
If it’s something that you deem as unimportant, like you are upset because you saw your guy looking at another girl walking by, commit yourself to letting it go. If it’s something more serious, work through it with your partner. By working on your awareness you can prevent unhappiness from festering and ultimately poisoning your relationship.
2. Ask Questions
If you find yourself tossing and turning next to your snoring lover, wondering if he is really over the little tiff you had at dinner, stop. Instead of driving yourself crazy trying to read his mind, ask him.
While you don’t want to harp on topics that have already been put to bed, it is entirely reasonable to ask your partner about his thoughts and feelings. When asking these questions, however, be ready to accept the answers.
If you ask him if he ever has doubts about your relationship, he answers in the affirmative, and you breakdown into a pool of tears, you are teaching him that he can’t be honest with you. Build yourself up before posing your query and respond as level-headedly and unemotionally as you possibly can.
3. Avoid Comparing
Not only should you stop trying to keep up with the Jones’, you should stop worrying about them all together. Just because your neighbors look like they are oh-so-in-love doesn’t mean they are.
Even if they are, you aren’t them, so what does it matter? You and your partner are in a one-of-a-kind romance that was born out of your distinctive personalities. You can’t compare yourself to others because you aren’t like others. If you try to compare, you will likely only feed your discontentment and ruin your relationship.
4. Lay Ground Rules
You and your partner will have much more success in the dating game if you are playing by the same rules. As your relationship starts to transition from pastime to serious, sit down and have a conversation about what you both want and need; this is exceptionally important.
If it makes you worry when your significant other doesn’t call you all day, tell him this and set it up as a rule. By doing so, you can ensure that he is aware of your needs and give him a better chance at meeting them.
5. Look For The Positives
You could drive yourself crazy thinking about the possible negative meanings of interactions you have with your lover. Instead of engaging in this exercise of futility, build up your confidence by actively seeking signs that your partner loves and cares about you. Yes, your boyfriend may have rushed off the phone with you because he doesn’t want to talk to you, but it may also have been that he had an important work call coming in on the other line.
Seek affirmations such as physical affection or even simple kind words. By actively seeking these positive signs, you increase your likelihood of seeing them and, in doing so, of keeping yourself confident as you charge forward in your love affair.