There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to take a more active role in your sex life, especially when it comes to getting things started. If you’ve fallen into a pattern where your partner is always the one initiating sex, it’s time to shake things up a little and take the reins once in a while. Try the following 10 hints to get yourself, and your partner, into gear!
1. Try Some Enthusiasm
Asking your partner some variation of “Do you feel like it?” is a common mistake when it comes to initiating some bedroom fun. That type of phrasing and hesitant delivery makes sex sound more like an obligation than an experience you want to enjoy. Get yourself in an enthusiastic mindset so it shows through when you’re approaching him or her to spark interest. Try being a little playful and flirty, as opposed to announcing it as if you’re advertising a special in a department store.
2. Don’t Drive Yourself Up A Wall
It’s easy to talk yourself out of initiating sex, whether you start to worry you’re too tired, your kids will wake up or whatever else causes you to hesitate. Don’t overthink it. If you’re feeling frisky, roll with it and don’t worry so much about all the reasons not to have sex. Think about the reasons to do it, and you’ll find your conflicting thoughts will melt away. You can always get to what you have to get done later.
3. Lose The Embarrassment
Unfortunately, some people still harbor views of sex being “dirty” or not something decent people want, and these ideas linger in society. While you may not realize it, you may have some guilt or shame associated with desiring sex because of these societal ideals. Work on letting lingering shame or guilt go. There is nothing wrong at all with wanting to have sex, and there is certainly no shame in initiating it! Your partner will probably appreciate and be excited by the change of pace.
One way to help lose those negative feelings is by talking about sex with your partner afterwards, even if it’s just a short sentence about how much you enjoyed it. By talking about it, you’ll begin to feel more comfortable with the subject, and that will help you be more forward about sex in the future. Use your new-found comfort with the subject to cover anything else you want to talk over with your partner about your sex life, too.
4. Put Yourself Out There
Your partner can’t read your mind, and for a variety of reasons, he or she may not pick up on your desire if you’re too subtle. Go ahead and be clear and straightforward when you’re trying to initiate sex. This will eliminate confusion on your partner’s part and ensure you don’t have missed opportunities. It is a little bit of a balancing act, trying to find the line between direct and too forward, so you may have to work on your phrasing a few times before you find the best approach. If you feel you’ve missed the mark, just laugh it off and don’t feel embarrassed. Your partner will probably not mind, and you’ll get it right next time.
5. Get A Little Physical
You can be direct about wanting sex without talking. Try using your hands in ways your partner enjoys, like a back rub, and other gestures, such as a nibble on the neck. Use signals your partner will recognize, and let your actions do the talking for you. Do stick to gestures that are acceptable between the two of you. While new moves and experimentation are usually good in a relationship, those aren’t things you want to spring on your partner out of nowhere, especially if you’re not the person who usually initiates sex.
6. Try Thinking Outside The Box
The initiation of sex can start well beforehand during the day, a tactic that’s especially useful if you’re shy or nervous about doing it. Try sending your partner a flirty text or leaving them a teasing note in a safe place no one else will access. Use your imagination to think of other things that will both surprise and delight your partner while setting the mood for later. Avoid doing anything that can get your partner into trouble or an awkward situation, such as sending messages to work phones or emails.
7. Learn To Laugh
Sex doesn’t have to be serious all the time, and the same goes for sparking it. A flirty joke or other gesture will make you both relax, creating a wonderfully relaxed atmosphere for what’s to come. Don’t be afraid to laugh yourself and enjoy your partner’s happiness. It’s a great way to enhance the mood and remove any embarrassment or shame you might feel if you’re not used to starting things off.
8. Add Finishing Touches
One thing that can help you get into the mood and send clear signals to your partner is a simple spruce up. Wear clothes you feel confident and attractive in, and do some grooming beyond your typical daily routine. A little bit of shimmer will boost your confidence and build up anticipation for what’s to come.
Don’t wear clothes you’re not comfortable in, even if they look fabulous on you. When you’re not comfortable in your clothing, it’s usually obvious to other people, and your partner will pick up on it. The more comfortable you are, the more relaxed you’ll be, and that mood will transfer back to your partner. If you’ve got a great item you’re not yet relaxed when wearing, try donning it around the house when you’re by yourself until you get used to it.
9. Stay On Track
While it’s always okay to say no to sex, if you’ve been tossing out hints all day, try not to sabotage your own follow through. Don’t put sex off until you finish watching that movie or doing something else you can tackle another day, especially since you might end up too tired. You don’t want your partner to feel like they are last on your to-do list, so make sex a priority if you’ve been floating the idea out there during the day. If sex can’t happen for some reason, be sure to let your partner know why if possible.
10. Keep It Going
Don’t let your aggressiveness end with the initiation of sex. Go ahead and be active in the bedroom too, taking the lead where you feel comfortable. By being an active participant, you will get more out of the experience, and so will your partner. As always, don’t try new things without getting your partner’s consent first!
Do whatever you feel okay with and remember it’s okay if you’re a little embarrassed at first. As you take a more active role in your love life, you’ll become more comfortable with leading both inside and outside the bedroom.