Do you want to find real love, yet despite your best efforts the love you deeply yearn for seems to elude you?
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Maybe you have a trail of past relationships that tend to start off well – girl likes boy, boy likes girl, you date for a little while and then something happens. He either loses interest and withdraws, he disappears completely or he tells you that he’s “just not looking for a relationship right now”. Ouch!
I feel your pain and I too have experienced this, not once or twice, actually many more times than I can remember. Though, after one too many heartbreaks I decided to work out what was really going on…
Instead of crying for days and complaining that the world was filled with emotionally immature and heartless men, I was going to discover what I was overlooking or doing that was creating this painful pattern.
I wanted to know why I was attracting the “wrong” men for me and what I could do to change this.
Here is what I discovered:
1. I Was Overriding My Inner Knowing
I was too accommodating of other people’s issues. I’ve been coaching for years and one of my strengths is I can pick up on other peoples challenges or issues pretty quickly. Having this skill is wonderful and a blessing in many ways, though sometimes I would be too understanding, when I should have walked away.
Because I don’t take people’s insecurities or issues personally, I tend to not be reactive or overly emotive, I can be objective. I would rationalize a man’s behavior instead of paying more attention to the very clear messages I was receiving that something in the relationship was “off”, or not “right” for me. These things were not obvious deal breakers, as I would easily walk away from those kinds of red flags.
These inner knowing’s were less obvious, hence why I questioned them, though the truth is my hunches are rarely (if ever) inaccurate and I was not trusting what I knew to be true. I didn’t need more information, I needed to take a step back and reassess what I really wanted and valued.
2. I Was Attracted To Men Who Were Not Emotionally Available
Even though I wanted love I was not as ready for love as I thought I was. I was fearful of losing myself in a relationship. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able love someone and still have a full life. I was worried that a relationship would make my life boring and stop me from living my dreams and in turn I’d subconsciously attract men who were not interested in a relationship, even though they said they were.
The men I’d choose were men with similar fears to me, so within time we’d both freak out and find reasons to walk away, rather than face our fears and work through them together as a couple.
3. Emotionally Withdrawn
After being hurt a few times I’d become a little withdrawn from men. I was personable and fun, though I was still attracting the wrong men because I was not showing my warm emotional side. I would come across as though I didn’t need a man, so I would scare off the good men. Sure, I would attract nice guys too, though they’d get tired of me being too independent and find someone who was more relaxed and open, or I was simply not attracted to them.
Basically I was sending mixed messages. I wanted love, though I was avoiding commitment and deep intimacy.
Once I had these realizations I started to see men and myself very differently. I had a fresh perspective and I realized that I too needed to take responsibility if I wanted success in love.
Here are the 3 things I did to overcome my relationship challenges that finally allowed intimate love to come into my life and stay in my life.
1. I Stopped Overlooking My Hunches
I stopped going around in circles and putting up with less than I deserve and I did this in a very loving and graceful way. If I was newly dating someone and I picked up that something wasn’t feeling “right” instead of trying to make sense of it I stopped doing the work. I let them work it out. This was a huge lesson.
I also stopped being so accommodating when another’s actions were not in alignment with my authentic self, or their actions were in conflict with my core values, such as emotional intimacy and open communication.
2. I Became Emotionally Available
I took some time to get very clear about what I truly wanted in a relationship. Instead of making excuses why the nice men weren’t right for me, I started giving the loving and relationship ready men a chance.
At first I was scared because I knew that I couldn’t hide from them, it was easier to hide from a man who wasn’t completely present than a man who was ready to love everything about me. I also made a decision to stop trying to look too far into the future and decided to live more for today.
3. I Became More Vulnerable
Instead of pretending I wasn’t interested in a man or that I didn’t care what happened, I started encouraging men and expressing how I felt. While I was worried about appearing too eager or concerned about his response I was inadvertently discouraging and confusing men.
A man needs to be able to FEEL a woman and not just in the way of touch, more importantly he wants to connect with her authentic, open and beautiful loving heart. Men are tired of games too. Men want love and to feel appreciated and needed. It’s simple.
So if you’re healthy within you, if you love yourself and understand yourself and if you know your inherent worth, then expressing to a man how you feel and who you really are will keep the right man attracted and interested in you.
Men love this. The time wasters will run away, relationship ready men will find you a breath of fresh air and match you.
When I stopped playing games with my emotional self, when I stopped pretending that I was “cool”, and once I had a loving and honest look at my own fears around relationships and intimacy, I was able to attract and be attracted to amazing men and find the kind of love I truly wanted that I was previously blocking.
Something that really helped me overcome my childish and fearful ways was approaching life and love like a queen. To experience the love I wanted it was vital for me to be more grounded, regal and majestic, with clear boundaries and a warm big beautiful heart, like a queen.
Many woman still have a princess mentality running, the princess looking for her prince. How about the queen looking for her king? When you step into this frame of mind, you’ll find your kingdom.
Don’t be afraid of love, embrace it!
